If I am straight with it I can see that my vigil comes from a deeply scarred psyche. I am paranoid, terrified, and distrusting of my potential losses. I have lost so many people close to me that I can't live a day without thinking about the inevitable next turn towards our collective and individual deaths. This is what bores the hole that can never be filled deep within my soul.
Do I believe in God? No. But how I could I not? My mind has seen it, what can I say? Obviously this has nothing to do with the church. I believe that God is a simple word to use to express something that is complicated in a way that it is well beyond language. I will use the word. The christian God doesn't do it for me but the saints work on some levels. There is a path there I can see it.
My constant state of prayer is on the verge of begging at times "please don't, please don't..." but the most consistent mantra is one of safe passage, wherever and whomever that may be. There are very few things I can say with certainty that I know. I will suffer. I will love. I will wait. I am willing. I am dust.
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I agree with you Scott.
Institutionalized religions are one of the worst things in our society; spirituality is very important but God is inside us and everywhere around us..we only have to search and see it throughout all our experiences in life, and all the wonderful things in nature and human feelings, finding our path.
To be in spiritusl connection and in harmony with nature and with each other is the key...all the dogmas (and the rest)are bullshit.
See you & take care man :)
-Sergio-
It is by the grace of god that I am sober, mindful, and grateful for another day. I have a home, and a family. Those are my riches, and I am thankful.
Scott, some wise folks I met years ago once told me, "Your rebirth demands a part of you dead." They say it to me whenever I walk that circle. It doesn't get easier emotionally no matter how well you know it intellectually. Despite this, I've always been on the other end of the spectrum from you - I’m almost Pollyanna about it all.
I empathize with where you’re at though. One of my best friends passed away this weekend. Chad "Cadillac Fraf" Percy, ex. of the 90s hardcore band Sleeping Body and our “country” band Mockingbird Cartel. His death has spun me 180 and I’m in a similar spot you seem to be. I’ve known him for over 20 years now. He was with Rob and me when we drove from Fort Worth to Denver to see you guys play. Sleep was supposed to open, but I remember they had to bail. Wow - I haven't thought of that memory in a long, long time.
I've spent six days crying. I dunno, dude. Dust in the wind. I guess. We’re here so briefly. The only… the ONLY confort I have is that Chad lived the Zazen ideology “Let me respectfully remind you, life & death are of supreme importance. Time passes swiftly and opportunity is lost. Each of us must strive to awaken. Awaken! Take heed; do not squander your lives." And I know he’d respectfully remind me by punching me in the gut if I felt sorry for myself. Despite him and what I know intellectually, my heart is heavy. It’s wrapped in tar and lead.
Sometime man don’t see that what's starin' him in the face. Sometime that's all he see.
I’ll keep a good thought for ya man.
I read this post shortly after waking up this morning and its been rattling around my head all day. It was with me today when I went to set down some guitar tracks and its with me now. I showed my lady and it hit her hard too. In these few words you summed up something i see in myself ive never been able to say out loud or put into words without tearing up the page in frustration. Something i've carried inside me like a stranger for years and years. it has a name now, a constant state of prayer. I wish my friend nick was still alive to read this and to understand this is where ive been for years and years, since he passed. I may drive out to the place we spread his ashes tonight because of this post.
sorry to get so personal here but this hit me hard
you words are powerful man
thank you,
moose
I'm happy to read this entry Scott. As busy as you are, I find you very calm and level. Just my thoughts on the subject. Timing seems appropriate to where I am in this time. As of late, I've really been trying to come to peace with Instinct vs. Logic. For most of my life Logic made me turn a cold shoulder to my instinct on this topic. Almost feeling shameful if I tried to pray for fear of envisioning this "God" everyone spoke of. I never bought into that Almighty business, but I have always always been a very strong creature of instinct. Survived this long on mostly that alone. That's is why meditation is so vital for me. And yes Prayer. Right now I'm actually reading "Praying with Power" by Jose Luis Stevens. On how to use Ancient Shamanic Techniques. He has written many books on shamanism. Any way, I still take everything I read on Spirituality with a grain of salt. Because like I have said many times already, I go with my instinct because that is where my soul/spirit will guide me. Hopefully in the right direction, in any case I trust that and that gives me peace.
Believing in god is something I'm contemplating right now. I agree with NeuroPrison about institutionalized religions.
It must be a season for death, I just lost my most recent ex. He taught me a lot and he was a wonderful friend. I feel like it's useless crying because there is nothing I can do. Whats done is done. I feel guilty that I didn't love him anymore. Of course I loved him as the wonderful person he was, but he wasn't a significant other to me. I wish I could know that he's at peace in heaven.
It still shocks me every time I read your posts how humble and honest you are. You've inspired me to be more open about my feelings, turning them into lyrics and poems.
Some people find God in a half glass of bourbon.
Some others in a poison that flows in their vains.
Some in a fast car
And some is colored pieces of paper they call ''Money''
Some find God in Music
Some find God in wide open Sky
Some in the Sunset
And some in the laugh of a child
Things are simple
Choose your side
Just brilliant Scott, you put some of my own thoughts and convictions into words. I think God or the divine is within all of us, not something or someone "outside", you either aknowledge it or not and live your life as a blind man. I think most people won't aknowledge it even people who claim they believe in God...especially people who say that.
"I believe that God is a simple word to use to express something that is complicated in a way that it is well beyond language."
Thanks for that - I tend to agree, but have never been able to put in a manner that didn't sound negative, pessimistic, or cynical... which it is, haha. Just sounds moreso than I really feel.
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