The things that I end up fighting over will inevitably run over the things that I need to be fighting through when my pride becomes wounded.
I am on the beginning of this realization. I have seen through myself and what I see is fragile.
I can become what I need to be only by evolving and getting past the small, scared, lonely kid in the corner that I used to be. My pride becomes tied up in the smallest most insignificant moments. I have created a line within myself that no one else could possibly know, and when the line is crossed I react in a pride filled hurtful way. My capacity to hurt appears endless within the limits of what I perceive through my pride. The pride fuels my rage and my rage knows no bounds. I am trying to leave so much of what I have become behind. I'm trying to bring this thing in me to where I want it to be, not where it feels comfortable nesting in my head.
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I too struggle with the same affliction, Scott, and have had many opportunities wash away in its wake. I recently quit my job due to an unsubstantiated theft accusation, and ONLY quitting because my pride rushed to the forefront. It's fucked up that I was confronted by my employer with something that could not have been more opposite of my character, but it may have been something I could have worked through and still retained my job status, however, that pride is a fucking destroyer. Now, because of my raging sharp-horned bull I deem "pride", I am unemployed in a time when I desperately need work and lay-offs and business-closings are damn near a daily occurrence. Time to tame the bull and focus on the big picture. I'm gonna need a big whip.
Without LOSS, there is no GAIN.
Without STRUGGLE, there is no SUCCEED.
It's all about riding the line.
Hopefully, on the positive side more than the negative.
Good luck man.
I can relate to your post Scott...a lot. I couldn't quite pinpoint it, but, yeah, I think it's some sort of pride that appears in my fits of rage but in a twisted way, like a last breath or something as I also have some sort of self-esteem issues.
I can bring myself so low but I wouldn't let anybody do that either, or at least I try not to anymore as in the past.
I'm destroying more than I'm constructing though and at that point in my life, I can't see how I could reverse that situation yet.
Thanks again for sharing those toughts with us.
I stumbled upon this blog while looking up SHRINEBUILDER (Oh, how I await this.....), and I wanted to say that this entry hit me hard because it is the very same realizations that have come over me in the last few years. Respect, Artist, and long life.....
Yeah pride has done nothing but make me lose things and people.Pride is good in ways of being proud of something you have accomplished,but that festering self pride that is evil and makes me into a diffrent person is just something im working at eliminating from my life.Easier said than done of course!!
"To be with the smallest and biggest, without fear and without pride. I went through the chappel of dangers a few hundred times.
And I had to work so hard to keep my love and intuition. And not to lose my guts and not to lose my mind".
Excerpts from a Colour Haze song. I don't know if they make a nice answer, but.. there is a thin line between ego and pride. If your pride gets hurt unintentionally & you know it, that's when you cross this line. The difference is small, but very important. And wrath.. wrath's not good. Anger, yes. It lets out the bad things, sometimes rights some wrongs, but wrath is something deeper and there should always be a limit to that. That's when the real loss starts, especially when it comes to a personal level..
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