Here We Go Jesus, Here We Go!!

 On the eve of the Super Bowl, which has been the pinnacle of pain to my loyal heart in these recent years, I feel it is time to recognize the premier Jesus Freak Athlete in sports today. If there is someone more about "The Power and The Glory", then Kurt Warner I am not aware of him(please leave your suggestions in the comments section). This guy and his manish wife have been out bible thumping on the worlds stage for 10 years now. 

 His story is a good one. He was a bag boy at the supermarket, sorting through the hard stuff and the soft stuff, supporting his family in Iowa. The Arena Football League started up and he got shot with the local team. Apparently through the power of Jesus he was able to "lift" his team to a championship and at the same time he caught the tear clouded eye of Dick Vermeil, then coach of the soft as a cloud St. Louis Rams. He then got a job in the NFL and took over the starting position to once again "lift" the absolutely softest championship team that the NFL has ever seen to a victory in the Super Bowl.

 The '85 Bears would have left this team bleeding and crying on the floor in the corner of the bathroom, The '76 Raiders would have had these guys swishing up and down the tier selling the asses for honeybuns, The '00 Ravens would have murdered these guys at a bar in Atlanta(Oops!? was that my outside voice). But anyway where was I...

...Listen, I'm actually rooting for this guy tomorrow. Let me tell you why. First and foremost, as a Raider fan, I Fucking Hate The Steelers. I respect them. They are the greatest organization in professional football hands down. But I hate them more and for longer then any other team out there. The pain of '70's and fucking "immaculate reception" does not go away, ever. But really more then "the longest hatred", is the fact that after 10 years of Kurt Warner constantly pumping God into our ears I have turned a 180 and I have to respect his consistency, in the end the guy is genuine. And I have to respect that. Be real. What else can you ask for? I also appreciate the guy letting us know where he stands and what and who he is. So today, I find myself cheering for the living embodiment of the most popular black man ever. No not Barack, not Michael Jordan, not the strangely oppressively name of Martin Luther King(look up his name sake Martin Luther), but good ole' Jesus Christ born in manger after his Momma was violated by a ghost...actually sounds real enough for me. Fuck it. Go Cardinals!

 

My First Crush.

 I have an intimate relationship with violence. My first memory of school is pulling a kid down of the monkey bars and smashing him. We moved around the country a lot when I was growing up and my Dad taught me to fight to prove myself to the locals. This usually worked as way to amass fear. Close friends, not so much.

 My Dad is an intimidator, I became an intimidator.

 I learned that I was very comfortable with emotional detachment.

 I learned that I enjoyed pain, giving as much as receiving. 

 These lessons became a part of the core of my being. They translated and reinterpreted themselves in aspects of my entire life and personality, that is easily seen in my addictions and my overall taste for darkness. I rarely participate in physical violence anymore, unless it's directed at myself. But I am always willing. The level of psychic violence and intimidation that I participate in daily, both outward and inward, is constant and has been for as long as I can remember. 

 I have a some friends(and a Wife)who are particularly gifted at violence. They are efficient ,skillful, and clean. I, at times, have been (oh yes.....oh... yes) but usually I am very messy.  Once my fuse has been lit it's chaos. Blood, Broken Glass, Chairs, More Blood, Car Tires, Bricks Bats and Bottles, Some Bleeding, Up, Down, Deep, Dark, Sticky, Nasty.

 Bring a fucking lunch.

 A couple of other things that I learned from my Dad is that it's not over until I say it's over and that I can never lose. Which means if you get the best of me that I will eventually get you(and I can wait...)one way or another, even and and almost exclusively this means that I will fuck myself over in the process. It doesn't matter because at the root, this all about fucking myself up anyway.  I fully realize this when I am not consumed by it but my ability to negotiate through rage is non existent. 

 I feel that this sole(soul)internal external experience and expression is responsible for so many of things that I have and don't have in my life. It IS the fire inside me. It IS the destroyer. It is also the thing that makes me want to bring life and light to the world. At times it is  a righteous gift but I feel at odds with it and it's attachments. The baggage is enormous. In truth it is too much. 

 I feel blessed to be able to write about this and express myself through art and music. Somehow I have been able to get to this point. Many of friends that I grew up with expressed there life through violent death, either taking there own or someone else's. I really, really miss them all. 

Close the door behind you.

  Mining music from space is what I do best. Sometimes space is NASA sometimes space is just simply space. Opening the door to allow the music in can be dangerous, it is something that I have had to learn the hard way. When you trust in your ability to handle the input you have to be prepared to fight the demons that get in with it. I know that my ghosted mind needs very little to go off the rails. When I'm standing in the doorway I am particularly susceptible. Put it like this, I am a filter and therefore I catch anything that comes through at that moment. I have to clean my mind every time I use it like this. I have remnants littered throughout my psyche. If I'm not diligent and respectful of this process then I am left with a chaotic pattern resonating in my mind. The result is rarely positive. Mining mind my blind eye I find... design. 

 The design is throughout it all. The design is what we have and nothing else. The design leads us, through the path of the design to the heart of the design, where we will submit to the will of the design. The design is what we will find when we open the door to see what's inside.

Beautiful Clarity

http://pitchfork.tv/week/joy-division

Constant State of Prayer

 Many things have been witnessed and experienced by me, from within and without from the end to the conception. If I take the moment to reflect from a place of stillness I notice that I am in a constant state of prayer. I am continually in conversation with the unseen all seeing and the ghosts that live in my heart. 

 If I am straight with it I can see that my vigil comes from a deeply scarred psyche. I am paranoid, terrified, and distrusting of my potential losses. I have lost so many people close to me that I can't live a day without thinking about the inevitable next turn towards our collective and individual deaths.  This is what bores the hole that can never be filled deep within my soul. 

 Do I believe in God? No. But how I could I not? My mind has seen it, what can I say? Obviously this has nothing to do with the church. I believe that God is a simple word to use to express something that is complicated in a way that it is well beyond language. I will use the word.  The christian God doesn't do it for me but the saints work on some levels. There is a path there I can see it.

 My constant state of prayer is on the verge of begging at times "please don't, please don't..." but the most consistent mantra is one of safe passage, wherever and whomever that may be. There are very few things I can say with certainty that I know. I will suffer. I will love. I will wait. I am willing. I am dust. 

The Return

 I just wanted to put a blanket thank you out to all of you who participated in this over the weekend. This was a really cool way to connect. We were definitely paying attention and felt the energy. I will continue to keep you all updated on Shrinebuilder as we move through the mixing process. 

 Neurosis is writing new material right now, but its very unlikely that we will be in the studio before this winter. We will be performing in Atlanta on February 28 at the Scion Rock Fest www.scion.com/rock

 I am completing songs for a new solo acoustic album and will hit the studio for that within the next 2 months. I will be performing solo in Atlanta on the 27th of February at The Icehouse East. I originally was going to call the new record "We Burn Through The Night"(there is a song called that) at this point I'm not sure, I will wait for a sign...

 As most of you know I also do a weekly radio show on a website that my friend Christopher Moeschl and me started 4 years ago, here is this weeks show if you're interested. www.combatmusicradio.com/returntozero/mp3/rtz0125.mp3

 

SHRINEBUILDER 1/12/09 8:03am

Al heard a room mic from the mixing booth asked me "is that Neurosis ?" I said "no man, that's your band, I sing in your band, and so does Wino" . Even hearing the words coming out of my own mouth it still doesn't really  compute. We are all in a bit of shock that we have created this thing, a collaboration between guys who genuinely listen to, like , and respect each others music at the deepest level. All of us have spent years (like 80 some!) working in this church, paying our penance and giving our blood(not to mention saying our prayers and taking our vitamins). Somehow here we are now.

 Experience is like a constantly moving and expanding train that keeps picking up more and more passengers as it cuts through the mountains and the plains. The Shrinebuilder experience train is fuckin'  long, long, long and it's rolling strong. The shear weight of it all pushed this thing into another realm the moment the decision was made to do this. The fifth member ofShrinebuilder is the godhead. This record honors the traditions set forth by all those that walked through these endless halls before us.

 I have to take a moment to speak about these guys as individual musicians from my perspective. 

 Dale Crover and I met when Melvins first came to the Bay Area in 1985, they played their first gig at the New Method Wharehouse in Emeryville, in which Neurosis had recently been born. We stood in amazement as the blew the place apart. From that point forward they have always been the one and only band that sets the bar. Unparalleled. If you asked the members of Neurosis individually who the best drummer they had ever seen was it would be unanimous, Dale Crover. Playing with him is electric. Dales' ability behind the mixing desk was unknown to me, now I know. Soon, you will too. Once we had this stuff together he drove it to where it needed to be. Uncompromising. Thunder. Thank you Dale.

 Wino and I actually only met recently, somehow the years of touring, bad luck and wreckage that we share kept us from crossing paths. We now know why it had to wait. If we had met earlier we would have already collaborated and this wouldn't have the shine to it that it does. When you listen to his catalog of music you will find richness,depth, spirit, and tone. Tone and riff are the to most important tools in a guitar players toolbox. No one, NO one has more tone and riff then this man. The richness, depth, and spirit are just character traits that pour out of his music. He is a true warrior for sound. Wino has been the keystone of this idea from it's inception. It wouldn't have been worth doing and it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been part of it. Lightening. Thank you Wino.

 Al and I have been close friends for a long time, something like 20 years, we have been to the mountain top and the depths together well before this time. Om is one of my very favorite bands ever. And I mean like deserted island favorite. If I could have two it would be Om and Hank Williams. There is a rhythm within Al that permeates every aspect of his being and it is at the center of his music. He has really been the point man in this project and that has a lot to do with how it has turned out. If it had been any other one of us it would have turned out a lot differently. Soul. He and Dale together is beyond words. Thank you Al.

 The recording is done. The gigs will come. And don't worry we have more in the future, the well is deep.  And plans have already been enacted towards the next move(you wouldn't believe it if I told you). Thanks for checking in on us. I'll let you know what's happening with this and anything else I'm doing right here as soon as it happens. Take care.   

 

SHRINEBUILDER 1/13/09 12:27am

 The recording is done. The Deaf Nefews (Toshi and Dale) will mix in a few weeks. We now set out to get the rest of this ship in order. The artwork, the mastering, bio, photos etc. all will be our focus in the coming weeks. This should be available for your ears by summertime. I will give a more in depth reflection of this in a day or two but right now I have to get some rest because I have work in 7 hours. Here are the song titles as the stand today.

Solar Benediction

The Architect

Blind For All To See

Science Of Anger

Pyramid Of The Moon

 I'll give you some more to look at. While you wait to here more about it all. Take care.

17 years, every day, every night, every song, every fight, every record, and every gig. True Love.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/12/09 3:15am

We approach the end of basic tracks. Wino is in guitar world making it all come together. The airport looms in my future. I will bring you more later tonight. 

SHRINEBUILDER 1/11/09 1:13am

 95% of vocals done. The transformation of this record during the course of this 12 hour recording session today has been unparalleled in my experience. This record has far exceeded all of our expectations up to this point and that is saying a lot because we new what we had coming in. This whole process has brought enormous amounts of reflection to my mind and I can honestly say that I am a better person today then I was 3 days ago when this began. I am humbled and honored to have an opportunity to do something like this with these 3 men. SHRINEBUILDER the concept has now become a band...

 Tomorrow we start early, guitar overdubs and more ear candy will be the order of the day. Be well, good night.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/10/09 5:35pm

 All basic tracks are done. Vocals and overdubs begin.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/10/09 2:26pm

 We are back in digging deep to mine the gold that we worked so hard over this year to conceptualize. Jeff Caxide(Isis) has come by to lend his emotional support to this project, he is a good man who it is always a pleasure to spend time with.

 We have tracked the first part of SCIENCE OF ANGER and are getting to the crescendo(big word baby, yeah!). More to come, stay gold...

SHRINEBUILDER 1/10/09 11:56pm

 11 hours down and we are cooking over half of the songs are down with basic tracks. I'm going to get out of the way so you can here from the rest of the guys.

Wino here. First in our humble world,to me it is a supreme honor to be able to make music with folks of this caliber,Think about it  jamming with Al{Sleep,Om} Dale{Melvins,Altamont},and Scott Kelly {Neurosis} my new soul brother.If you thought I had some crazy stories.......Tomorrow with fresh ears and minds we will record SCIENCE OF ANGER my new ode to life,WINO 

Al here: Amazing productive day. We completed the basic tracks for three songs. Spirits and energy are all happy. Toshi nailed the bass sound providing mitten.-Al

Hello Shriners,  We're excited for everyone to hear what we're doing. So far it's turning out great. We'll report again tomorrow. -Dale

SHRINEBUILDER 1/9/09 2:23pm

 Allright here we go...  Last night we played together as a full band for the first time, there was immediate thunder. The truth was revealed within seconds. 

 We are presently setting up at West Beach Recorders(which is directly next door to the Museum Of Death) and beginning to check the drums. Our engineer Toshi is a very nice man, who can a make theramin out of a children's toy(literally). Al's bass tone is unbelievably rich he's running a ' 72 Sunn Model T with a Sunn 2x15 and '69 Gretch 2x 12 combo. Wino and I having been running down tweaker street stories and discovered that both of us, in the depths, have rifled through a bums shopping cart to steal his wares. Wino was markedly more successful then mine as he found a hunting knife where as I discovered a coffee can full of bum shit. Dale and I have discovered a common love of America's favorite pastime, baseball, and very different perspectives to one the people on my vendetta list(I have since modified their ranking). 

 

 

The 5 Degrees of Vendetta

"You just made the list buddy"- Francis "Psycho" Sawyer 

  The grudgeist piece got me thinking about my "list", my tower of vendetta, my wish list for bad tidings or people that I have a deep, deep distaste for . 

 As I began going through them I realized that there was great variance in the severity of the grudge going anywhere from "Just Want to Talk"(JWT) which would be someone, for example, someone who had ripped me off for a decent amount of money 20 years ago in which case my anger has dissipated and I just need to know why and get the money from them, to "Sworn and Eternal Enemy"(SEE) which would be someone who was a rapist of some sort. In between all of that I found that there was more that I will list for you now from the just below SEE we have "Dead To Me"(DTM), pretty self explanatory, this would be someone who was very close to me who has done something that is absolutely inexcusable. My up close and personal favorite "Punch You in The Fucking Face"(PYFF) in this case you have misstepped or possibly misspoken most likely about people that I hold close to my heart at which point direct action becomes necessary PYFF would also include close friends who have turned into bitches. And finally just above JWT in The 5 Degrees of Vendetta would be "Just Fuck You"(JFY) again self explanatory but this would be someone who has exhausted my patience with constant and consistent lying or fuckery. Allright so, here's my list feel free to comment and leave your own in some cases (most) I have not used the real name to protect my self from potential legalities.

JWT

Victor Hayden

The Commandant

JFY

Whatever the fuck your name is 

Barf

The Lost Simpson

Mr. Big Butt

PYFF

Snaggletooth

Gilliam

The Douchebag

DTM

K40

SEE

Louis(the one and only)

 I feel better now. I reserve the right to adjust this list at anytime. Onward to the studio to record the SHRINEBUILDER record check back in awhile and there will be an update.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/8/09 3:13pm

 As some of you know I have been working on a band called Shrinebuilder it an idea that was spawned by Wino(Hidden Hnad, St. Vitus etc.) and Al Cisneros(Om, ex- Sleep) that now includes myself and Dale Crover(Melvins). We have co written a batch of songs  and we will be in the studio working with Toshi down in beautiful Hollywood, Ca. I, and hopefully we, will be writing here daily right  through the weekend with updates on the recording session, thoughts and observations as well as possibly some photos. Stay tuned...

The Confusionist God

the kid...

 I was raised in the corner of the room. Backed up against the wall. Isolated. Tormented. Dominated. Intimidated. I was cared for but not cared about. I was loved but I was not wanted. I never really questioned it. I knew from an early age that my parents had no hold over me. But that didn't stop the physical and mental devastation from taking my mind. I spent years trying to annihilate myself and rebuild my soul only to find it shattered and alone again. The true outcome of my decision to experiment with chemistry, deprivation, and excess are untold as of yet but I feel them daily as I try to keep my life in order. I am consumed by time. I never have a moment unaccounted for. I move quickly from one obsession to the next throughout my day, in varying degrees of tunneled thought. I have no other options before me, I am a driven force. I will go until I am stopped. 

grudgeist...

 I hold no grudge against my parents, they are good people. The way they raised me made me a survivor and in these days nothing else could be more important. In my darkest hour my Fathers' will held me up when I had nothing else. There has never been any doubt that they loved me just that they had some strange and cold technique. 

 When I hold a grudge, when I feel that someone has done something that is unforgivable, I will never let it go until my or there demise. I do not hold weak grudges. The ones that I keep in my heart are there to stop the bleeding. I think of them everyday and I wait until my an opportunity presents itself and then I act decisively.  My doctors have told me over the years that I need to let go because of the internal damage this type of strife can cause, I tell them to stay out of it and not to fuck with me.