Return.

 After a 2 month hiatus I have returned to the airwaves on KMBT Radio. If you feel it then check it out. http://www.combatmusicradio.com/returntozero/mp3/rtz0130.mp3

Beyond The Pale at Roadburn April 25, 2009

 There is an extremely interactive blog that will be updated by the bands/artists throughout the festival. Please take the time to check this out if you would like a unique look at what goes down over the weekend in Tilborg. Be well.  http://beyondthepaleatroadburn.blogspot.com/

The Need.

To bleed. 

All the time. 

To get out the bad blood and renew from the source. 

Fresh images expressed to my brain. 

Old pictures imprinted from the path of my soul.

Relive the wars.

Declare the promise that never strays.

Let it flow as it should, let it stain as should, let it grow as it should, let it spill from my heart.

Deepest Red.

 She was abandoned by her teenage Father when she was 1 year old. He would try to make it right, but he could not reverse the the damage he had done.

She never forgave him.

He will never forgive himself.

 She lived a full life. Experiencing all that she could find. Repeating the pain of her abandonment with every man in her Fathers wake. Destroyed. Degraded. Left in a ditch. Left in a trailer. Over and over again. 

Her fire raged.

She couldn't stop the pain. 

She loved her people. 

She could not love herself. 

 She couldn't see herself, because if she had she would have known the dream that I saw in her eyes. She would have known the sun that she brought to me in her smile. 

She fought through it all. Fierce.

 The first time I met her she stole some candy and gave it to me. She made me laugh. She always made me feel like I was okay. She was my mirror, and for the first time, I liked what I saw.

 

Her heart was deepest red.

 As the years took their toll, the wounds cut to the core. The weight of it all was unbearable. The losses were insurmountable. 

The decisions of the past reverberate in eternity.

 Today she will know that she will soon be gone. That it will all finally be over. The struggle is given, the outcome has been written. Time will always take its share in the end. 

 

 I wish for her to haunt me. I want her twinkle in my eye. I want her ghost in my dreams. I want her laugh in my soul. I wish for her pure heart to feel the grace of light. Please let the pain die first.

Let her children shine.

Pride.

  I used to think that pride was necessary in all moments of my life. It was the foundation of many of my thoughts and movements in my life. I now realize how much it has stunted my evolution as a man. 

 The things that I end up fighting over will inevitably run over the things that I need to be fighting through when my pride becomes wounded. 

 I am on the beginning of this realization. I have seen through myself and what I see is fragile.

 I can become what I need to be only by evolving and getting past the small, scared, lonely kid in the corner that I used to be. My pride becomes tied up in the smallest most insignificant moments. I have created a line within myself that no one else could possibly know, and when the line is crossed I react in a pride filled hurtful way. My capacity to hurt appears endless within the limits of what I perceive through my pride. The pride fuels my rage and my rage knows no bounds. I am trying to leave so much of what I have become behind. I'm trying to bring this thing in me to where I want it to be, not where it feels comfortable nesting in my head.