We Burn Through The Night

J.P.

2012-01-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

I lost my Dad back in October. It was from Leukemia, he was diagnosed in June and it took him down fast.

He and I had many difficult years but we had the time between June and October to bury it all and move forward.

I am so thankful for that.

My Wife and Children, my Brother and my extended Family and my True Blood Brothers were there for me when I needed them. He moved through it fast. My Mom is left with a un-fillable hole. My Dad isn't the kind of man that is easily replaced.

He was cut from pure fucking rock.

Anyone who ever tested him found out.

He was a man in the most traditional sense.The Alpha.

Old school.

Unforgiving.

Ridged.

Violent.

In the last years though, there had been a softening within him.A clarity and a willingness to bend that was amazing to see.

Life has a way of showing you what you need to see in order to get your mind where it needs be.

My Dad saw enough to know what he wanted to know,no more no less.

He grew up in Detroit in the late 40's early 50's.He walked away from the Roman Catholic Church when he was 12 years old and never stopped speaking out against organized religion to the very end of his life.He was a top notch street fighter and a boxer.He joined the merchant marines when he was 17.He joined the Army during the Korean War but never saw battle,it ate at him.These events and decisions were the foundation of the man.

He worked his ass off to be independent of need.

He made it.

I feel a huge loss without him.I miss his directives.I miss his horrible sense of humor.I wish he would yell at me one more time and be disappointed in me.I wish he would have not left my Mom behind.I know that they wanted desperately to go out together.

My wishes are a sign of the weakness within my character.It shows that I don't really believe my own words.That I write them from a place of total detachment and not a place of true reflection.

I am just too close to this.

Some News...

2011-06-22T21:39:00.001-07:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More death metal

...On My Trail.

2011-03-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

I try not to let it get to me.

But it is always there.

In the shadows.

Within each footstep.

From the bottom of each breath.

I gave up trying to control it a long time ago.

I know that the only way to it, is through it.

The only thing I fear in life is time, because time brings me closer and keeps me father away from it.

The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing at all.

The Landscape of Return and the New Kingdom.

2011-03-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

Picking up where I left off, we had 2 great shows in France.1 on a boat in Lyon(that's 2 boats in 1 tour) and 1 at a really cool spot in Montpelier called Inglorious Bar, the true south of France absolutely beautiful scenery and horrible fucking roads. After that we went into Spain, first stop was a tattoo appointment with Jondix(http://www.holytrauma.com/) it far exceeded my expectations. His artwork and rendering of my idea was perfect, but what a great guy. We listened to Jimi for 5 hours while the torture was executed perfectly. All of the Spanish shows were good in general. The turnouts were low, but to be expected in a country where there's 23% unemployment. The people were fantastic and the landscape was the best I have ever witnessed. If you can imagine everything that is good about the land in California and the Northwest with castles and Roman ruins thrown in then you have an idea of the countryside in Spain is like. It was the cleanest country I have ever been in as well. Portugal gave us the 2 most well attended shows of this part of the tour and in fact the most respectful crowd I have ever played too(NYC it would have been you except for the cinder block guy).With about 3 days left in the tour we hit the southern most tip of Europe and we were able to see Africa(Morocco to be exact) it was an incredible moment for me, very hard to describe but alot of emotions stirred in me. I need to go there.

As I prepared to return home the news about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan begin crossing the wire. I had Melvins and High on Fire in Tokyo so we stood by waiting for conformation of everyones safety and whereabouts. These guys had just been in Christchurch when that quake hit so the PTSD is starting to become a reality.

I have to say that the images that the TV showed me in those days where overwhelming, they left me in ill humor to those who chose to not accept them and aknowledge them for what they were.Pure Tragedy.

Before I go I must share some thoughts on Jon "Bones" Jones, the new UFC Light Heavyweight Champion.He is Bruce Fucking Lee.He is Muhammad Ali.He Is Babe Ruth.He is 23 years old.I have never in my life seen a guy with so much fluidity,grace,and vision also be so ruthless, and destructive. He is the future of the sport that is the future sport of the world. You will all know him. He will revolutionize the entire game and rewrite every book before its over. And hes not even trying, its completely unconscious.

I am home now and getting my shit back together at work.It feels good to be home.Really good.

The sunflower,The best guy in the world,special signs, and war.

2011-02-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

In other words I'm on the road again, seeing places that I've never been and I'm seeing faces that I'll never see again.Honestly I've been on the road too much for my heart and soul lately, but the gigs have been great and the people even better.

I'll start at the beginning this time.

I landed in berlin on the 14th and spent the evening at the Sunflower Hostel, where I have stayed before, its a nice spot and I feel comfortable there. When I woke up the 3rd time I went downstairs got caffieneated and wrote for about an hour awaiting the arrival of my trusted brother,traveling partner of 20 years, and confidant, Ansgar.The fact that I woke writing was a good sign, it rarely happens I'm more of a middle of the night kinda guy when it comes to that.

We headed to Prague to do a show for the aforementioned,"best guy in the world", my friend Adam.Adam booked 9 shows throughout the eastern part of europe in addition to Prague for me.He is one those people who I immediately trusted within 20 minutes of getting to know him.When I say "one of those people"I mean none of those people because it doesn't ever actually happen to me.This guy is a very special dude.He organizes great gigs in very special venues(last time I played there it was a castle, this time it was the oldest spot in Prague right by the river the origin of the city that other cities wish they could even parralell), he also books bands, raises a Family, works a day job, preforms music and is a die hard a recently reborn in the blood of C.Anthony New York Knicks fan.It was a great night as always, I love Prague...the record store owes me 1 Cockney Rejects CD but thats another story.

After a cool gig in Brno where I met some early 20s crazy ass downhill skateboarders who love Oxbow, we went into Poland. both gigs where amazing, the Polish people are so damn strong and bright.Krakow and its architecture blew my mind.I have been to Warsaw three times previously and Warsaw is stil way fucked up from WWII. 60% still bombed out and not rebuilt I believe so too see the original buildings still in tact as they were in Krakow was stunning, eye opening, and educational.Speaking of a Polish education I have special lesson only available here for those of who have stood by WBTTN waiting for me to get back to writing again.When you are in Poland and you have to use the restroom, they use symbols instead of words or intials.Heres the lesson...the downward pointing triangle is for men,the circle is for women.I dont know why and they asked me not to tell you but I thought if any of you the chance to be there in the future you may enjoy watching your friends do as I did...use the wrong one...and boy did I "use" it...

Anyway as continued through the east we made a point only eating in the local working class dinners and staying away from the kebab huts and the dreaded "American Embassies".Everytime it worked out we had great healthy fresh food and I cool environment as well.I highly recomend this technique.

We saw our vey good friends Rastio,Marco and Peter in Bratislava it was a gig in an underground bomb shelter, the backstage was behind a shooting range.The venue was boat in Budapest, first time for that.And we got a chance to see the town for a few hours with our friend Balasz.Including a super cool little store run by a nice old guy who only sells replicas and t shirt representations of The Huns.I dropped a few euros there.Hard to forget the story that Blasz told us of a mentally disturbed guy climbing to the top a bridge that we were standing on, lighting himself on fire and miserably failing to make a succesful leap into river.Finding himself splatted but alive on the pavement he wouldn't let anyone near him to put out the flames because he claimed to be Bruce Willis.I don't think Bruce Willis is fire retardent,aparently this guy proved not be as well...good night Bruno.

Zagreb was a great show put on by a very cool guy named Mate, it was at a college venue run by students, most of whom were able to handle there alcohol.Ljubjana was great as well, super cool crowd, a nice sqautted venue in an abandoned army barracks that had been held for over 20 years(I tried to explain how insane the thought of that is to an American at that time I didn't think anyone outside of the states could quite comprehend the heavy handedness of the U.S in matters such as this, I would learn differently in a few days)...

The first Italian show was poorly attended but the people that payed to get in where very cool and respectful and i played the show for them.The single most annoying guy I've met in awhile was in full regalia at the show and he wouldn't shut his drunk ass or stop tromping around in his 3 foot wallet chain for the entire set.You can suck it,jinglebells...

Turin is really cool town I can feel it unfortunately we had no chance to experience it but hopefully when I rturn ther with Neurosis this summer I will.Great show, great crowd,great dinner.Bologna was cold as fuck and the gig was in a very small stone building with no heat causing some old man hands to get pretty slowed up on the fretboard but the vibe in the room was pretty stunning it was so quiet you could here a pin drop.I truly respect that so much.Thank you guys for that.Great free jazz kinda band opened the night,Mombu, Luca and Antonio great guys.We made plans to rock in the future.The Hellfire Family are some of my favorite peoples by the way.

Ok so now I sit on the coast of Italy awaiting a return to Lyon,France tomorrow, a place where I have a lot history with Neurosis and where I will play on yet another boat.After that its Montepellier and on to the cornerstone of the whole tour the shows booked in Spain and Portugal.This is what got me here for this tour, I am really lloking forward too it.Barcelona on the 3rd will be the first show and my 3rd tattoo appointment of the tour.My first was just previous to leaving the states with the guy that I believe is the best tattooer in the world right now,Thomas Hooper,he is a master.My appontment in Barcelona is with Jondix who I only know through email and his website but I expect great things.

The one I had yesterday was a little different then anything else I've ever had.I was tattooed by a Siberian writer who know lives in Milan by the name of Nicolai Lilin.He has written a book called "Siberian Education(Family,Honor and Tattos:an extraordinary underworld life)", go youtue him or google him.His book is out in the states soon.Also soon to be a major motion picture.This guy and his story is unparralleled in my lifes experience.Here's a few of the highlights, but honestly you need to check this out for yourself immediately, he's been tattooing since he was 9, went to adult prison at the age 12 for attempted murder, he grew in an exclusivly outlawed criminal community in Siberia at war with the Russian government from the day he was born.The things this guy has been through in his 31 years will leave you in awe.And he has the ability to enjoy life.He is a true warrior for what is right in the world, he has spoken out publicly about the oppressive regime in Russia now, the Catholic churches' disgusting protection of there pedophile preists, as well against extremist religious dogma.All of this has gotten him a lot of enemys, of which he says he has absolutely no fear.And I believe him, his culture has a respect for death that makes him so.An amazing guy who I truly admire.

Allright thanks to all of you whom I have met on the first part of this tour, France&Spain you are next...

Thaw.

2011-01-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't been here in awhile. I'm going to try and get the machine working again. Please stick with me. The events of my past year will not go uncounted they just need to be sorted properly in order that I might bring them to light.

I love my Family...

Snowed In.

2010-02-10T00:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not really here. I'm just checking in. Other things are holding my interest and time right now. I am focused very inward. When the mood strikes me I will write more and answer some questions. Europe was very illuminating for me. I am glad to be home in the safety and comfort of the trees and my family.

3.

2010-01-01T01:39:00.000-08:00

First off just in case your wondering there isn't a ".2" posting. I don't promote that number, its a superstition of sorts, kinda like how some buildings don't declare a 13th Floor. I'll do 13 all day, but not 2. Anyway back to the subject at hand, answering some of your questions from the What Do You Want From Me Posting.

From THE SOUND OF AN EARNEST MIND came these questions,
How do you pursue the often intimidating task of making the music you hear inside become an actual song?

Patience is the primary tool as far as that goes. But songs come to me in many different forms so there is no set pattern to it. If I can feel it but I can't touch it immediately then I wait until it's ready to show itself and then take it.

Do you feel alone, even when you're with friends or family, too?

Sure, sometimes. I spent most of my childhood alone so its a big part of who I am at my core. I have no problem with it.

From TROY came a in depth description of a Neurosis show in Flint, Michigan from probably 1996 or 97. If you want the whole story from his perspective then check the comments from the original post.

First off Troy thanks for your kind words and thanks for being at The Capital Theatre that was awile back, it was a very memorable show for many reasons. The opening band was called Crosseyed Mary and they had 2 kickdrums attached end to end, the one and only time we have ever seen that. Also that place was haunted as fuck, we ended up loading out at about 4am in the midst of Downtown Flint Hip Hop violence and driving to Kalamazoo where I had a .357 put to my head by a very deranged gangster on not enough crack. Never underestimate the power of poverty and drugs people. On to the show in question...

From what I have gathered from the guys in my band who have good memories and from what has jarred loose from my own I have this for you. When we arrived at the gig everything was not ready as in the stage wasn't even finished being built. There seemed to be no one who knew how to do it properly so we ended grabbing hammers and finishing it ourselves. You have to understand that when we show up to play we aren't fucking around in the slightest and any promoter who decides to do a show with us should be able to glean that from our contract and our technical rider, this guy didn't take it seriously and in the end it seems that he paid for it.

No one has an recollection about the skateboarders, but I can tell you that my guess is that at that point of the day it had become an aggravation and a distraction. Its hard to imagine a falling skateboard could hurt our gear, except the keyboard rig. I'm sure that at least 2 of us where on that ramp earlier in the day, as a band our relationship to skating has always been one of respect. And its something that most of us do or have done.

Now the one thing that I do remember about this night was how it ended( I'm a little cloudy on it but roughly this is it). The promoter didn't have the guarantee, this is never a good thing and in our days on the road the only time we didn't get paid our guarantee was the first time it happened on our first tour, we made a choice that that wouldn't happen again. So when this guy said he couldn't pay us I made sure that he did, I'm sure that there was a fair amount of yelling and threats. I do know that in the end I made him call his Mom and get the money.

Its not pretty I know but its the truth.

If the day hadn't been so fucked from the start things might have ended on a softer note. We have walked away from shows without the guarantee with an understanding and a promise that the check would be in the mail from promoters who we know and trust. This guy didn't fit that bill. I honestly hope that he is doing better mentally now and I don't know how this caused it all to cave in for him. I did hear that story about him being in a Mental Hospital, probably from Austin I don't know. Maybe he wasn't the guy who I made call his Mom, its all a blur kids...a grey shrouded blur.

1.

2009-12-20T11:02:00.000-08:00

This is in response to "What Do You Want From Me ?" I'll try to answer a few of your questions today.

There was Moz who inquired about my day job. I am currently a sound board operator at a repertory theatre company, it's without a doubt the best job I've ever had. The reality of being on your own at 15 and touring and raising a Family from the 18 onward guarantees that I have had no opportunity for education or formal training. I have always done either psychical labor or silk screen printing.

Avishkar inquired about why Neurosis insisted on the air conditioning being turned off in Haarlem, Holland last year. Avishkar, that is a request that we make in every venue, it is a personal request of mine. I can't explain it an any sort of logical way, but the reality of it is that I cannot stand air conditioning when performing in Neurosis, it didn't bother in Shrinebuilder. In my solo gigs I don't like it because it fucks up your vocal chords. I can't stand the feeling of it on me in Neurosis gigs it drives me to a bad place.

Alex asked me what my favorite Neurosis record is. Simple...Given To The Rising. I always like the latest creation that we do. If we didn't like each record we do more then the ones previous we wouldn't be putting out records anymore. I think thats a universal feeling with most artists. I do hold a special place in my heart for the Jarboe record and Through Silver In Blood. Overall I am proud of everything we have done musically.

Ok more next time. Troy you left the most in depth comment and I am doing some investigation on your questions I want to get it all straight for you.

What Do You want From Me?

2009-12-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm serious. Tell me.

What do you want to know?

Jack Rose.

2009-12-08T02:04:00.000-08:00

The passing of Jack Rose over the weekend shook me up pretty good. I did not know or ever have the honor of meeting him, but I wish I had. I wasn't even aware of his music until a friend of mine gave me a LP of his about 3 years ago. He had a sound that was so instantly resonant in your soul that I understood immediately why my friend had thought to turn me onto it. His sound was not one that I would have had the patience for in my younger days but after running through it all and delving into Robert Johnson, John Fahey and everything in between my mind was ready for Jack Rose. His subtle dark tint was the thing that made his music so close to my heart.

His music will know doubt get a lot more attention with his passing and that is a good thing.

I sincerely wish his Family the best, 38 is a very unexpected time to go.

Scott Kelly. Solo. Europe. 2010

2009-11-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

I'm doing acoustic and electric, new, old, obscure originals, and covers. I hope to see you there if your life is on this side of the world.

SCOTT KELLY
EUROPEAN TOUR

Presented by Visions, Metal Hammer, Legacy, Fuze

14.01.10 Germany Dortmund @ Paulus Kirche
15.01.10 Belgium Antwerp @ Bar Mondial
16.01.10 UK London @ South Of The Border
17.01.10 Greece Athens @ MoBetter Club
18.01.10 Netherlands Den Haag @ Paard van Troje
19.01.10 France Paris @ Glazert
20.01.10 France Colmar @ Musee Du Jouet
21.01.10 Switzerland Martigny @ Les Caves du Manoir
22.01.10 Italy Genova @ Teatro Carignano
23.01.10 Italy Rome @ Blackout Club
24.01.10 Italy Ravenna @ Bronson Club
25.01.10 Austria Wien @ WUK
26.01.10 Slovakia Trnava @ Galeria Jana Koniarka
27.01.10 Czech Rep Tocnik @ Old Castle
28.01.10 Germany Berlin @ Festsaal Kreuzberg
29.01.10 Germany Leipzig @ UT Connewitz
30.01.10 Germany Iserlohn @ Dechenhoehle

Contact.

2009-11-25T23:50:00.000-08:00

I haven't figured out how to do a more regular check in from the road yet. I intended to write in here during the Shrinebuilder travels, but it just didn't happen. I have enlisted my good friend Ansgar who will be traveling with me in Europe on my solo tour in January to be the task master and help me develop the discipline necessary to do this in the way that I envision it. Stand by for more info on that.

My head has been leveling out somewhat, not with out a lot of work, and I am hopeful that the result will be a better ability to express myself. My original intention of with this blog was to practice writing my life history. The more band related update shit and all that came along later and I have been struggling to find a balance that makes sense to my often cluttered and weary mind.

If you have the day off fucking enjoy it, and take some time to pay respect to the Native Americans who gave their lives for the dirt that we call home.

The Viper Room. Los Angeles. November 11, 2009

2009-11-12T03:37:00.000-08:00

We played the set twice it was great. The people that came out were exactly who we had hoped would come out, fucking die hards.

Our guy Eddie Solis(It's Casual) put this gig together for us and I can't speak high enough about the guy, he is true blue and he literally lives for music. The Viper Room it's self and the staff that run it couldn't have been cooler, it was the perfect venue for this show.

The experience will be easier to digest in a week or a month then right now, but the feeling of all this work and dedication finally taking form in a live setting is really overwhelming.

We leave for Baltimore in 6 hours.

SHRINEBUILDER U.S. TOUR UPDATE.

2009-11-01T15:13:00.000-08:00

The initial gigs are in our midst.

Nov.11 in Hollywood, Ca. @ The Viper Room(we will play 2 sets with no support band, our intention is to stretch it out a little bit and see where we are at before we head out on the road.)

Nov.13 in Baltimore, Md. @ Club Sonar supported by U.S. Christmas and Earthride

Nov.14 in Chicago @ The Empty Bottle 2 sets(they will clear the club between shows and recharge at the door) support for the early show is Yakuza and for the late show Rwake.

Nov.15 in New York City @ Le Poisson Rouge supported by Rwake and Liturgy

Nov.16 in Austin, Tx. @ Emos(outdoor) supported by Sub Oslo

I will be checking in as we prepare and while we are on the road. See you out there.

Metallica.1.2.3.4.

2009-09-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

I have had an ongoing debate with a friend of mine over the last 5 or so years about the first 4 Metallica albums, as to which 3 are the ones to run up the flag poll. I have been holding the line with 1,2, and 3 while he has been pushing for 2,3, and 4. Anyone who wants argue for anything beyond those 4 records is a complete ass and needs to purge themselves from this life immediately.

So there is no argument over 2 and 3. We agree they are the 2 best albums ever made by Metallica. I also think that we can agree that of those 2 'Master Of Puppets' is the one, the pinnacle, the crowning glory of there musical exploration in total.

What we are left with is a debate on Cliff Burton's influence on the band and whether actually physically having him playing the music is more effective then the band realling in the wake of his death.

Before I go any further and before people start commenting on how much they have fallen, let me say, that in my opinion they get an eternal pass. The music created on those 4 albums is beyond reproach and since none of us have any idea the horrors that befell them as human beings after his extremely violent death, we can not judge how we would have handled it.

As I said before I have been of the 1.2.3. school for sometime and I think on re listening I can tell you why first of all there a couple crystallizing pinnacle moments on that first record particularly the bass solo(...take 1) and the chugaluga breakdown mid way through 4 Horsemen(which will never be beat in my book for simplicity and dynamic impact). The overall effect of the downstroke guitar playing of Hetfield is revolutionary and a lesson that I took to heart. Now as I stand here now I am caught in a wash of memories as I re listen to these 4 records, and I must say that most of them have to do with drugs. Some of them do not...I remember sheepishly selling bootleg Metallica demos in the parking lot of Arco Arena in Sacramento with none other then Steve Von Till, Doug Dirt(Oakland celebrity), our friend from Canada Jim(who went on to join The Exploited at some point). Have you heard the demo? The one with Dave Mustaine on it? It is great, but is hilarious lyrically and at times vocally. Anyway...I digress.

The primary issue that I have always had with 4. is that the production is horrific(although after listening to 30 seconds of St. Anger perspective is achieved, 4. ain't that bad in fact it has a certain charm kinda like a hospital cafeteria) and the album led to the mainstream breakthrough and then led to the obvious downturn and emotional vacuum that brought us the 5th album and all the subsequent attempts. Upon my re listening I am struck with the depth of 4. The songs are raw and the emotions are on crushing. There are beautiful juxtapositional moments and devastating riffs abound. 4. is something to be hold it is and will always be the last breath that Clifford Lee Burton had creatively in this band. Although I'm sure that his shadow is still within there reach, I have always thought that space that he filled within them as people was a hole that could never be touched again.

Let the discussion begin...1. or 4.?

Evan Tanner. Remembrance.

2009-09-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

It has been 1 year since Evan Tanner passed away. Those of you who keep up on such things you will remember why you supported this guy so damn hard. For those of you who are not followers of the fight game in general or MMA specifically I encourage you to take the time to check out this article. Evan Tanner was a remarkable man. I believe that his legacy must be shared.

Follow the link and scroll down the page to find the article.

http://mma.fanhouse.com/2009/09/08/one-year-later-evan-tanners-unforgettable-life-and-legacy-reme/

SHRINEBUILDER UPDATE.

2009-09-09T00:55:00.000-07:00

Sunday Nov.15 will be NYC at La Poisson Rouge. Monday the 16th will be in Austin at Emos. I will play a song, "Pyramid Of The Moon", of off the album in its entirety on my radio show this Thursday.

You will find it here.

http://www.combatmusicradio.com/returntozero/

Stayed tuned for more live dates.

Love Hurts.

2009-09-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

As we approach another what looks to be painful year of Oakland Raider professional football, I feel that I must purge myself of the pain that can be be incurred when you love something and you forget why.

I know why I love the Raiders, when I was little kid I was drawn to the colors(long before I had even seen California, let alone made my bones in Oakland) the Silver and Black. No two better colors exist(yeah, yeah I know blacks not a color, tell that to Louis Farrahkan or the KKK) fucking period. When you mix that with the logo and the renegades that made up the Oakland Raiders of the 1970's you have an easy identity for a 9 year old lover of KISS,Alice Cooper, and the smell of gasoline. When my path eventually landed me in Oakland in the mid 80's the Raiders were long gone but the power remained in the city. My vagabond lifestyle made it so I completely missed the 2 Super Bowl victories in LA, it seemed like a good time to get back in the boat, as they were down in the dumps and I never liked a front runner. Through the rest of the 80's and early 90's the mystique never failed me and on there return to Oakland I was right there with the rest of the diehards that had been in the trenches, on the streets , in the jails and prisons(you haven't lived until you are booked into San Diego Co. Jail in head to toe Raider gear on the day the Raiders are playing the Chargers, been there and fucking done that) welcoming them home to the claim the crown of the scourge of the Bay Area that was and is Oakland.

We had a moment when things seemed to be breaking our way, we had a great team, a leader in John Gruden and a sense of destiny surrounded our team and our town. Within the course of 3 years we were the victims of the most bullshit and fixed call since "the immaculate reception" , thank you New England(hows Darryl Stingley doing?), the loss of our great coach due to yet another power move by our totally fucking wakka doo owner(a whole 'nother post in and of itself), and a loss against the worst possible opponent in a Super Bowl that we could have ever dreamed of, would have one against anyone else.

Since that day we have fallen to point of death. Wearing my Jack Tatum jersey is like walking through a firestorm of laughter and degradation... but then I am reminded when I see these pictures of truth that this isn't about wether you win or lose its about how you play the fucking game and we as Oakland Raider Fans(short for fanatic) show up with our game on every goddamn day. Silver and Black still pumps through my veins, 'til death do us part.

Angel Of Death.

2009-08-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

I don't remember hearing Hank Williams that often around the house when I was a kid. My Dad was a Waylon and Willie guy, so I was more or less raised on 3rd generation country music, of the "Outlaw" variety. I wouldn't discover David Allan Coe, Townes Van Zandt, Kris Kristofferson and those guys until I revisited my roots in my late 20's. Johnny Cash was on TV every Saturday night so I was always well aware of him, but I didn't realize his true majesty until much later.

Country music always sounded good to me, I always had a place in my heart for songs like "Luckenbach, Texas", "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain", and "I May Never Pass This Way Again" they were simple songs that captured raw emotion. They were presented in such a direct, honest way that they were unforgettable. Even at my most jaded times as a young man, I still liked to hear those songs. They always connected me to my blood. Even when I wanted nothing more then to be as far away from my blood as possible. There is something to be said for that in and of itself. Music speaks to a deeper nature within you and the more direct the it is the more it resonates in the truth of your soul.

I own every song that Hank Williams ever wrote. Every night for 3 years I would fall asleep to his songs, in a time when I honestly had too say goodbye to the world every time I went to sleep because I thought I would not make it to the next day, Hank guided and protected my spirit in my rest. He wrote something like 150 perfect songs and was dead at 29. The depth and soul in his music speaks to my belief that music is a gift given to those who are willing to submit to its will. There is no other explanation.

SHRINEBUILDER Live.

2009-07-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

Nov. 14 at The Empty Bottle in Chicago,Ill.

Theresa.

2009-07-21T08:37:00.001-07:00

Its been a couple of months since I have given in to the writer in me. I am going to try to be more diligent about this but life often interferes with my plans so no promises, as I said in the beginning of this blog, I will write when the spirit moves me...

I buried my sister a week ago. She was a warrior. She lost her final battle somewhat willingly but her spirit is something that will carry on in me and the rest of us eternally. I have many favorite memories of her I would like to share with you 2 of them...

The first time I met her I was 8 years old and living on the East Coast, we had different Mothers and she was a wild child(my Dad had a couple of them) so I hadn't had the chance to meet her yet. I was home alone and there was a knock on the door, I crept up to the window beside the door and saw the unmistakable twinkle in her eyes that I had only known from photographs that my Dad had shown me.

She saw me and said "Hey I'm yer sister let me in".

I was so excited to finally meet this person who already was a legend in the family, my very own flesh and blood. She had been hitchhiking around and she was with some guy who I only remember as being a little bit scary, but I didn't care about him, I just wanted to meet my sister. We went into the house and I remember her being super funny and very nervous about seeing my Dad(you would be too), she asked me if we had any food and she started making sandwiches, it was the first time I ever had a fluffer-nutter. We sat on the floor of the kitchen and ate and laughed as if we had known each other for ever. When we were done she asked me if I wanted some dessert(I was in a state of bliss) I of course said yes and she took a bowl and filled it to the top with whipped cream.

Thats about all I can remember from that day because for rest of the afternoon, we were in the backyard, she was laughing her ass off as I ran and ran and ran in circles in the backyard burning sugar from my blood like a crackhead with a $50 rock.

Flash forward 20 years. Over the the time that passed since our first time meeting we had become very close, her and I were very alike in our lifestyles and our passions. She was such a big hearted person, she had seemingly endless love to give to those who she chose to share it with. At this point in time we both had Families of our own, I had my 2 oldest and she had her 3.

Her youngest was a beautiful girl who had been born with Downs Syndrome. I always respected how she was treated within the my sisters Family. Inside she was always cared for and loved, never treated any different then anyone else, but the humor of our blood was always intact. So as to say that there were more then enough funny things that a child with such and affliction will do, and none of us were made to be afraid to laugh when the happened, never to shame only to release the confusing and painful emotion that stays in your body when you are dealing with a situation like this.

As the child grew she became a unstoppable Family favorite, always at the center of everything and the most loving, hugging, kissing, laughing person I have ever known. When she hit her teens things began to get more difficult for her socially, as you could imagine, and her Family surrounded with protection and safety. Her siblings are 2 of the best hearted people I have ever known.

When the public schools started to try get my sister to put her in a special placement, she refused. They said that a child like this would never learn to read. My sister taught her to read. They said that a child like this could never learn to write or add. My sister proved them wrong. At every turn the schools protested and tried to keep her out of the main stream.

My sister said what she said anytime someone told her something like that "Fuck You".

At 18 we had a high school graduate, as proud a moment as you could possibly imagine. My sister knew how important it was for this child to do this and for the other people who fought against to see what was possible.

It was a struggle that was defined within struggle itself.

My sister was a fighter, born and bred, from the cradle to the grave she always did as she saw fit. She never backed down from anyone or anything. I am left with a lot of regret of time that I missed with her, but we both were busy doing shit. We loved each other to the end and thats all that counts.

I will never forget the twinkle in her eyes and I will never see a twinkle quite like that again.

Return.

2009-04-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

After a 2 month hiatus I have returned to the airwaves on KMBT Radio. If you feel it then check it out. http://www.combatmusicradio.com/returntozero/mp3/rtz0130.mp3

Beyond The Pale at Roadburn April 25, 2009

2009-04-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

There is an extremely interactive blog that will be updated by the bands/artists throughout the festival. Please take the time to check this out if you would like a unique look at what goes down over the weekend in Tilborg. Be well. http://beyondthepaleatroadburn.blogspot.com/

The Need.

2009-04-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

To bleed.

All the time.

To get out the bad blood and renew from the source.

Fresh images expressed to my brain.

Old pictures imprinted from the path of my soul.

Relive the wars.

Declare the promise that never strays.

Let it flow as it should, let it stain as should, let it grow as it should, let it spill from my heart.

Deepest Red.

2009-04-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

She was abandoned by her teenage Father when she was 1 year old. He would try to make it right, but he could not reverse the the damage he had done.

She never forgave him.

He will never forgive himself.

She lived a full life. Experiencing all that she could find. Repeating the pain of her abandonment with every man in her Fathers wake. Destroyed. Degraded. Left in a ditch. Left in a trailer. Over and over again.

Her fire raged.

She couldn't stop the pain.

She loved her people.

She could not love herself.

She couldn't see herself, because if she had she would have known the dream that I saw in her eyes. She would have known the sun that she brought to me in her smile.

She fought through it all. Fierce.

The first time I met her she stole some candy and gave it to me. She made me laugh. She always made me feel like I was okay. She was my mirror, and for the first time, I liked what I saw.

Her heart was deepest red.

As the years took their toll, the wounds cut to the core. The weight of it all was unbearable. The losses were insurmountable.

The decisions of the past reverberate in eternity.

Today she will know that she will soon be gone. That it will all finally be over. The struggle is given, the outcome has been written. Time will always take its share in the end.

I wish for her to haunt me. I want her twinkle in my eye. I want her ghost in my dreams. I want her laugh in my soul. I wish for her pure heart to feel the grace of light. Please let the pain die first.

Let her children shine.

Pride.

2009-04-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

I used to think that pride was necessary in all moments of my life. It was the foundation of many of my thoughts and movements in my life. I now realize how much it has stunted my evolution as a man.

The things that I end up fighting over will inevitably run over the things that I need to be fighting through when my pride becomes wounded.

I am on the beginning of this realization. I have seen through myself and what I see is fragile.

I can become what I need to be only by evolving and getting past the small, scared, lonely kid in the corner that I used to be. My pride becomes tied up in the smallest most insignificant moments. I have created a line within myself that no one else could possibly know, and when the line is crossed I react in a pride filled hurtful way. My capacity to hurt appears endless within the limits of what I perceive through my pride. The pride fuels my rage and my rage knows no bounds. I am trying to leave so much of what I have become behind. I'm trying to bring this thing in me to where I want it to be, not where it feels comfortable nesting in my head.

"This is Toe, you know what to do"

2009-03-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Neurosis had a gig get cancelled at the last minute in Birmingham, Alabama sometime around 1993.

For those of you don't know about Birmingham it has a deep, dark and violent history mainly concerning race but in general it is a hard place to be different whatever that may mean to you. We had played there many times over the years previous and had such memorable experiences such as playing for a promoter named "Big Toe"(the above title refers to his answering machine), to playing a venue directly across the street from a hole in the wall(literally) crackhouse with a line 30 people deep all night(more then a few extremely fast crackhead fistfights that night), to 3 drunken middle aged Klansmen showing up outside the venue in the middle of the ghetto proclaiming loudly for all to hear "Any Niggers around here need to know, that the Klan is here to sort'em out". Yeah they hate Catholics too but I'm not sure if these particular assholes knew that. Anyway what I'm getting at is that Birmingham is tense, all the time. So when we are in Birmingham we are more guarded and watchful then usual.

It was the middle of summer and it was hot and extremely humid in the van so we decided to blow off some steam. There was a park across the street from the venue(which was locked down) and we decided to go drink, smoke, eat sandwiches, and be in the sun until the evening before we went on to the next destination. There was a marquee on the venue, it was an old movie theater. After being across the street for an hour or so Jason and Pete suddenly got up and Jason said "Finish up, we'll be right back" with intent and urgency. We all knew each other well to know if someone spoke in that way it was serious, especially in a place like Birmingham, Alabama, and we started finishing up whatever we were doing and standing up to go. They walked over to the van and moved it underneath the marquee and both of them jumped onto the roof of the van(treacherous move at best) in a matter of moments they had rearranged every letter on the previously scattered and unreadable marquee to say one singular word that none of us will ever forget...ALIENREPTILEGOATGOD. Jason turned around and with his most devious smile and with a twinkle in his eye he said "Uh,we should go".

We were already running for the van. I always wondered if the promoter who fucked us out our gig saw it and how long it stayed up there before they took it down. Goodnight Birmingham.

13.

2009-03-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

Checking in. Checking out. I'm in between the realms of reality. I'm still missing a few important pieces to the puzzle that I threw against the wall a few weeks ago... A few months ago... A few years ago... Over and over again.

I'm trying to stop dieing. Inside and out. I am tired of death.

I realize that my path has and been and will continue to be wrought with treacherous experience and the weight of many more then I would think I could hold.

But I can hold them. I can hold it all. I have no choice. By definition it is who I am.

I love to express myself in as pure a way as possible. This is why I love to fight. This is why I love to bleed. This is why I am able to survive on the inside, while everything else falls apart.

I know that I do hold this experience in solitude.

I know that there are many more of us out there.

I know that most of you don't understand, and I hope that you never do.

But for those of us who are in it...thanks for checking in.

We Let The Hell Come.

2009-02-26T07:02:00.000-08:00

The blade of the Reaper suspending the eye in the judgement,

All dues in the crossing feed the soul drowning in the breach.

Watch Her Breath Light In The Sun.

Death brings the rain to river and I walk from the shore waiting,

The stones in the river bring hell to the heart of those of us left in our shells.

Watch Her Breath Light In The Sun.

As the truth is denied,

We will fall in the sun.

In the depths of our run,

We let the hell come,

We let the hell come.

2009-02-19T22:13:00.000-08:00

As I am massively preoccupied in my own struggles at this time I thought I would share an article that was forwarded to me from my oldest living friend. The subject of the article is Doc Dart the singer of the long time defunct band The Crucifucks. A band that is responsible for one of the 3 most amazing live performances I have ever witnessed as well 2 mind blowing albums, not to mention his solo work, Doc Dart has always made music that speaks to my soul and makes my blood stir.

You may notice that the article is written by Sam Mcpheeters, who was the singer of a great band that means a lot to a lot of people, Born Against.

http://viceland.com/int/v16n1/htdocs/the-troublemakers-515.php?country=

And Now...

2009-02-11T22:10:00.001-08:00

I will be gone from this for awhile. Life demands more of me then I can offer. I will return, please read the archives...Be well.

.:SMK

Lux Interior.

2009-02-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

Lux Interior died in California last night. The Cramps were one of a kind and he was one the best front men ever to dominate a stage. I saw them years ago when I was young and closed minded and they opened me up to a whole world of dark Americana sound. They were so unique in there approach, especially considering that they came from the same time and place as the Television, The New York Dolls, CBGB's, Maxs' Kansas City etc. There mixture of B Horror with Hillbilly/Surf music has never been duplicated. Today is for him and Poison Ivy. He was 62. Respect.

Suffer

2009-02-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

The suffering never ends. I accept this.

Wisdom is born of experience and pain.

There is no doubt.

There is no way to alter what will become. This idea doesn't mean that you sit idle as the world decides your fate. It means that what ever you will do next was inevitable. I have come to believe this to be true.

There is no why. I accept this too.

The reasons are untold. They will remain that way.

I am set adrift right now. There is very little left in reserve today. I am holding a constant vigil. Focused light. I am praying now. Protection... Amber Light...

...please protect her.

Here We Go Jesus, Here We Go!!

2009-01-31T10:11:00.000-08:00

On the eve of the Super Bowl, which has been the pinnacle of pain to my loyal heart in these recent years, I feel it is time to recognize the premier Jesus Freak Athlete in sports today. If there is someone more about "The Power and The Glory", then Kurt Warner I am not aware of him(please leave your suggestions in the comments section). This guy and his manish wife have been out bible thumping on the worlds stage for 10 years now.

His story is a good one. He was a bag boy at the supermarket, sorting through the hard stuff and the soft stuff, supporting his family in Iowa. The Arena Football League started up and he got shot with the local team. Apparently through the power of Jesus he was able to "lift" his team to a championship and at the same time he caught the tear clouded eye of Dick Vermeil, then coach of the soft as a cloud St. Louis Rams. He then got a job in the NFL and took over the starting position to once again "lift" the absolutely softest championship team that the NFL has ever seen to a victory in the Super Bowl.

The '85 Bears would have left this team bleeding and crying on the floor in the corner of the bathroom, The '76 Raiders would have had these guys swishing up and down the tier selling the asses for honeybuns, The '00 Ravens would have murdered these guys at a bar in Atlanta(Oops!? was that my outside voice). But anyway where was I...

...Listen, I'm actually rooting for this guy tomorrow. Let me tell you why. First and foremost, as a Raider fan, I Fucking Hate The Steelers. I respect them. They are the greatest organization in professional football hands down. But I hate them more and for longer then any other team out there. The pain of '70's and fucking "immaculate reception" does not go away, ever. But really more then "the longest hatred", is the fact that after 10 years of Kurt Warner constantly pumping God into our ears I have turned a 180 and I have to respect his consistency, in the end the guy is genuine. And I have to respect that. Be real. What else can you ask for? I also appreciate the guy letting us know where he stands and what and who he is. So today, I find myself cheering for the living embodiment of the most popular black man ever. No not Barack, not Michael Jordan, not the strangely oppressively name of Martin Luther King(look up his name sake Martin Luther), but good ole' Jesus Christ born in manger after his Momma was violated by a ghost...actually sounds real enough for me. Fuck it. Go Cardinals!

My First Crush.

2009-01-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

I have an intimate relationship with violence. My first memory of school is pulling a kid down of the monkey bars and smashing him. We moved around the country a lot when I was growing up and my Dad taught me to fight to prove myself to the locals. This usually worked as way to amass fear. Close friends, not so much.

My Dad is an intimidator, I became an intimidator.

I learned that I was very comfortable with emotional detachment.

I learned that I enjoyed pain, giving as much as receiving.

These lessons became a part of the core of my being. They translated and reinterpreted themselves in aspects of my entire life and personality, that is easily seen in my addictions and my overall taste for darkness. I rarely participate in physical violence anymore, unless it's directed at myself. But I am always willing. The level of psychic violence and intimidation that I participate in daily, both outward and inward, is constant and has been for as long as I can remember.

I have a some friends(and a Wife)who are particularly gifted at violence. They are efficient ,skillful, and clean. I, at times, have been (oh yes.....oh... yes) but usually I am very messy. Once my fuse has been lit it's chaos. Blood, Broken Glass, Chairs, More Blood, Car Tires, Bricks Bats and Bottles, Some Bleeding, Up, Down, Deep, Dark, Sticky, Nasty.

Bring a fucking lunch.

A couple of other things that I learned from my Dad is that it's not over until I say it's over and that I can never lose. Which means if you get the best of me that I will eventually get you(and I can wait...)one way or another, even and and almost exclusively this means that I will fuck myself over in the process. It doesn't matter because at the root, this all about fucking myself up anyway. I fully realize this when I am not consumed by it but my ability to negotiate through rage is non existent.

I feel that this sole(soul)internal external experience and expression is responsible for so many of things that I have and don't have in my life. It IS the fire inside me. It IS the destroyer. It is also the thing that makes me want to bring life and light to the world. At times it is a righteous gift but I feel at odds with it and it's attachments. The baggage is enormous. In truth it is too much.

I feel blessed to be able to write about this and express myself through art and music. Somehow I have been able to get to this point. Many of friends that I grew up with expressed there life through violent death, either taking there own or someone else's. I really, really miss them all.

Close the door behind you.

2009-01-26T06:18:00.000-08:00

Mining music from space is what I do best. Sometimes space is NASA sometimes space is just simply space. Opening the door to allow the music in can be dangerous, it is something that I have had to learn the hard way. When you trust in your ability to handle the input you have to be prepared to fight the demons that get in with it. I know that my ghosted mind needs very little to go off the rails. When I'm standing in the doorway I am particularly susceptible. Put it like this, I am a filter and therefore I catch anything that comes through at that moment. I have to clean my mind every time I use it like this. I have remnants littered throughout my psyche. If I'm not diligent and respectful of this process then I am left with a chaotic pattern resonating in my mind. The result is rarely positive. Mining mind my blind eye I find... design.

The design is throughout it all. The design is what we have and nothing else. The design leads us, through the path of the design to the heart of the design, where we will submit to the will of the design. The design is what we will find when we open the door to see what's inside.

Beautiful Clarity

2009-01-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

http://pitchfork.tv/week/joy-division

Constant State of Prayer

2009-01-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

Many things have been witnessed and experienced by me, from within and without from the end to the conception. If I take the moment to reflect from a place of stillness I notice that I am in a constant state of prayer. I am continually in conversation with the unseen all seeing and the ghosts that live in my heart.

If I am straight with it I can see that my vigil comes from a deeply scarred psyche. I am paranoid, terrified, and distrusting of my potential losses. I have lost so many people close to me that I can't live a day without thinking about the inevitable next turn towards our collective and individual deaths. This is what bores the hole that can never be filled deep within my soul.

Do I believe in God? No. But how I could I not? My mind has seen it, what can I say? Obviously this has nothing to do with the church. I believe that God is a simple word to use to express something that is complicated in a way that it is well beyond language. I will use the word. The christian God doesn't do it for me but the saints work on some levels. There is a path there I can see it.

My constant state of prayer is on the verge of begging at times "please don't, please don't..." but the most consistent mantra is one of safe passage, wherever and whomever that may be. There are very few things I can say with certainty that I know. I will suffer. I will love. I will wait. I am willing. I am dust.

The Return

2009-01-14T21:46:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to put a blanket thank you out to all of you who participated in this over the weekend. This was a really cool way to connect. We were definitely paying attention and felt the energy. I will continue to keep you all updated on Shrinebuilder as we move through the mixing process.

Neurosis is writing new material right now, but its very unlikely that we will be in the studio before this winter. We will be performing in Atlanta on February 28 at the Scion Rock Fest www.scion.com/rock

I am completing songs for a new solo acoustic album and will hit the studio for that within the next 2 months. I will be performing solo in Atlanta on the 27th of February at The Icehouse East. I originally was going to call the new record "We Burn Through The Night"(there is a song called that) at this point I'm not sure, I will wait for a sign...

As most of you know I also do a weekly radio show on a website that my friend Christopher Moeschl and me started 4 years ago, here is this weeks show if you're interested. www.combatmusicradio.com/returntozero/mp3/rtz0125.mp3

SHRINEBUILDER 1/12/09 8:03am

2009-01-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

Al heard a room mic from the mixing booth asked me "is that Neurosis ?" I said "no man, that's your band, I sing in your band, and so does Wino" . Even hearing the words coming out of my own mouth it still doesn't really compute. We are all in a bit of shock that we have created this thing, a collaboration between guys who genuinely listen to, like , and respect each others music at the deepest level. All of us have spent years (like 80 some!) working in this church, paying our penance and giving our blood(not to mention saying our prayers and taking our vitamins). Somehow here we are now.

Experience is like a constantly moving and expanding train that keeps picking up more and more passengers as it cuts through the mountains and the plains. The Shrinebuilder experience train is fuckin' long, long, long and it's rolling strong. The shear weight of it all pushed this thing into another realm the moment the decision was made to do this. The fifth member ofShrinebuilder is the godhead. This record honors the traditions set forth by all those that walked through these endless halls before us.

I have to take a moment to speak about these guys as individual musicians from my perspective.

Dale Crover and I met when Melvins first came to the Bay Area in 1985, they played their first gig at the New Method Wharehouse in Emeryville, in which Neurosis had recently been born. We stood in amazement as the blew the place apart. From that point forward they have always been the one and only band that sets the bar. Unparalleled. If you asked the members of Neurosis individually who the best drummer they had ever seen was it would be unanimous, Dale Crover. Playing with him is electric. Dales' ability behind the mixing desk was unknown to me, now I know. Soon, you will too. Once we had this stuff together he drove it to where it needed to be. Uncompromising. Thunder. Thank you Dale.

Wino and I actually only met recently, somehow the years of touring, bad luck and wreckage that we share kept us from crossing paths. We now know why it had to wait. If we had met earlier we would have already collaborated and this wouldn't have the shine to it that it does. When you listen to his catalog of music you will find richness,depth, spirit, and tone. Tone and riff are the to most important tools in a guitar players toolbox. No one, NO one has more tone and riff then this man. The richness, depth, and spirit are just character traits that pour out of his music. He is a true warrior for sound. Wino has been the keystone of this idea from it's inception. It wouldn't have been worth doing and it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been part of it. Lightening. Thank you Wino.

Al and I have been close friends for a long time, something like 20 years, we have been to the mountain top and the depths together well before this time. Om is one of my very favorite bands ever. And I mean like deserted island favorite. If I could have two it would be Om and Hank Williams. There is a rhythm within Al that permeates every aspect of his being and it is at the center of his music. He has really been the point man in this project and that has a lot to do with how it has turned out. If it had been any other one of us it would have turned out a lot differently. Soul. He and Dale together is beyond words. Thank you Al.

The recording is done. The gigs will come. And don't worry we have more in the future, the well is deep. And plans have already been enacted towards the next move(you wouldn't believe it if I told you). Thanks for checking in on us. I'll let you know what's happening with this and anything else I'm doing right here as soon as it happens. Take care.

2009-01-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

SHRINEBUILDER 1/13/09 12:27am

2009-01-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

The recording is done. The Deaf Nefews (Toshi and Dale) will mix in a few weeks. We now set out to get the rest of this ship in order. The artwork, the mastering, bio, photos etc. all will be our focus in the coming weeks. This should be available for your ears by summertime. I will give a more in depth reflection of this in a day or two but right now I have to get some rest because I have work in 7 hours. Here are the song titles as the stand today.

Solar Benediction

The Architect

Blind For All To See

Science Of Anger

Pyramid Of The Moon

I'll give you some more to look at. While you wait to here more about it all. Take care.

2009-01-11T15:58:00.000-08:00

17 years, every day, every night, every song, every fight, every record, and every gig. True Love.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/12/09 3:15am

2009-01-11T15:37:00.001-08:00

We approach the end of basic tracks. Wino is in guitar world making it all come together. The airport looms in my future. I will bring you more later tonight.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/11/09 1:13am

2009-01-11T00:59:00.000-08:00

95% of vocals done. The transformation of this record during the course of this 12 hour recording session today has been unparalleled in my experience. This record has far exceeded all of our expectations up to this point and that is saying a lot because we new what we had coming in. This whole process has brought enormous amounts of reflection to my mind and I can honestly say that I am a better person today then I was 3 days ago when this began. I am humbled and honored to have an opportunity to do something like this with these 3 men. SHRINEBUILDER the concept has now become a band...

Tomorrow we start early, guitar overdubs and more ear candy will be the order of the day. Be well, good night.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/10/09 5:35pm

2009-01-10T17:35:00.000-08:00

All basic tracks are done. Vocals and overdubs begin.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/10/09 2:26pm

2009-01-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

We are back in digging deep to mine the gold that we worked so hard over this year to conceptualize. Jeff Caxide(Isis) has come by to lend his emotional support to this project, he is a good man who it is always a pleasure to spend time with.

We have tracked the first part of SCIENCE OF ANGER and are getting to the crescendo(big word baby, yeah!). More to come, stay gold...

SHRINEBUILDER 1/10/09 11:56pm

2009-01-09T23:55:00.000-08:00

11 hours down and we are cooking over half of the songs are down with basic tracks. I'm going to get out of the way so you can here from the rest of the guys.

Wino here. First in our humble world,to me it is a supreme honor to be able to make music with folks of this caliber,Think about it jamming with Al{Sleep,Om} Dale{Melvins,Altamont},and Scott Kelly {Neurosis} my new soul brother.If you thought I had some crazy stories.......Tomorrow with fresh ears and minds we will record SCIENCE OF ANGER my new ode to life,WINO

Al here: Amazing productive day. We completed the basic tracks for three songs. Spirits and energy are all happy. Toshi nailed the bass sound providing mitten.-Al

Hello Shriners, We're excited for everyone to hear what we're doing. So far it's turning out great. We'll report again tomorrow. -Dale

SHRINEBUILDER 1/9/09 2:23pm

2009-01-09T14:23:00.000-08:00

Allright here we go... Last night we played together as a full band for the first time, there was immediate thunder. The truth was revealed within seconds.

We are presently setting up at West Beach Recorders(which is directly next door to the Museum Of Death) and beginning to check the drums. Our engineer Toshi is a very nice man, who can a make theramin out of a children's toy(literally). Al's bass tone is unbelievably rich he's running a ' 72 Sunn Model T with a Sunn 2x15 and '69 Gretch 2x 12 combo. Wino and I having been running down tweaker street stories and discovered that both of us, in the depths, have rifled through a bums shopping cart to steal his wares. Wino was markedly more successful then mine as he found a hunting knife where as I discovered a coffee can full of bum shit. Dale and I have discovered a common love of America's favorite pastime, baseball, and very different perspectives to one the people on my vendetta list(I have since modified their ranking).

The 5 Degrees of Vendetta

2009-01-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

"You just made the list buddy"- Francis "Psycho" Sawyer

The grudgeist piece got me thinking about my "list", my tower of vendetta, my wish list for bad tidings or people that I have a deep, deep distaste for .

As I began going through them I realized that there was great variance in the severity of the grudge going anywhere from "Just Want to Talk"(JWT) which would be someone, for example, someone who had ripped me off for a decent amount of money 20 years ago in which case my anger has dissipated and I just need to know why and get the money from them, to "Sworn and Eternal Enemy"(SEE) which would be someone who was a rapist of some sort. In between all of that I found that there was more that I will list for you now from the just below SEE we have "Dead To Me"(DTM), pretty self explanatory, this would be someone who was very close to me who has done something that is absolutely inexcusable. My up close and personal favorite "Punch You in The Fucking Face"(PYFF) in this case you have misstepped or possibly misspoken most likely about people that I hold close to my heart at which point direct action becomes necessary PYFF would also include close friends who have turned into bitches. And finally just above JWT in The 5 Degrees of Vendetta would be "Just Fuck You"(JFY) again self explanatory but this would be someone who has exhausted my patience with constant and consistent lying or fuckery. Allright so, here's my list feel free to comment and leave your own in some cases (most) I have not used the real name to protect my self from potential legalities.

JWT

Victor Hayden

The Commandant

JFY

Whatever the fuck your name is

Barf

The Lost Simpson

Mr. Big Butt

PYFF

Snaggletooth

Gilliam

The Douchebag

DTM

K40

SEE

Louis(the one and only)

I feel better now. I reserve the right to adjust this list at anytime. Onward to the studio to record the SHRINEBUILDER record check back in awhile and there will be an update.

SHRINEBUILDER 1/8/09 3:13pm

2009-01-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

As some of you know I have been working on a band called Shrinebuilder it an idea that was spawned by Wino(Hidden Hnad, St. Vitus etc.) and Al Cisneros(Om, ex- Sleep) that now includes myself and Dale Crover(Melvins). We have co written a batch of songs and we will be in the studio working with Toshi down in beautiful Hollywood, Ca. I, and hopefully we, will be writing here daily right through the weekend with updates on the recording session, thoughts and observations as well as possibly some photos. Stay tuned...

The Confusionist God

2009-01-04T02:52:00.000-08:00

the kid...

I was raised in the corner of the room. Backed up against the wall. Isolated. Tormented. Dominated. Intimidated. I was cared for but not cared about. I was loved but I was not wanted. I never really questioned it. I knew from an early age that my parents had no hold over me. But that didn't stop the physical and mental devastation from taking my mind. I spent years trying to annihilate myself and rebuild my soul only to find it shattered and alone again. The true outcome of my decision to experiment with chemistry, deprivation, and excess are untold as of yet but I feel them daily as I try to keep my life in order. I am consumed by time. I never have a moment unaccounted for. I move quickly from one obsession to the next throughout my day, in varying degrees of tunneled thought. I have no other options before me, I am a driven force. I will go until I am stopped.

grudgeist...

I hold no grudge against my parents, they are good people. The way they raised me made me a survivor and in these days nothing else could be more important. In my darkest hour my Fathers' will held me up when I had nothing else. There has never been any doubt that they loved me just that they had some strange and cold technique.

When I hold a grudge, when I feel that someone has done something that is unforgivable, I will never let it go until my or there demise. I do not hold weak grudges. The ones that I keep in my heart are there to stop the bleeding. I think of them everyday and I wait until my an opportunity presents itself and then I act decisively. My doctors have told me over the years that I need to let go because of the internal damage this type of strife can cause, I tell them to stay out of it and not to fuck with me.

Reflectors

2008-12-15T21:54:00.000-08:00

I have misgivings about starting down the road that I did with Hard Times. Chapter 1. My first reflection was that leaving it hanging with the "what lurks behind the door" thing was tired and lame. I still agree with that thought, it was. My next feeling had to do with the story itself. It is a true story, a memory from days that I wish were far from me but I know are one step away at all times forever. Telling stories about my times on the street and my drug days is dicey at best. All of the people that I ran with at that time are dead or M.I.A. I have had to remove myself from the struggles of those years as much as I can and sometimes I feel that telling you a war story about me and +++++ +++ is bullshit because in the end I wasn't able to be there for him. It's a treacherous place to walk for me..... my mind that is.

Hard Times. Chapter 1.

2008-12-12T23:00:00.000-08:00

We had to go meet +++++ +++'s cousin, Zero, at a hotel in East Oakland, I don't think I can really remember exactly where. I don't want too know anymore. We had been running pretty hard over the last month or so, at war with ghosts. Paranoid, violent, overly alert, theoretical, deprived,and depraved. Over the last few hours it had seemed to me as if the clouds and the night were going to bring us to a new darkness. I was right, but it's hard to tell what you think when you don't sleep and you're living off of red meat, speed, and beer. We got to the hotel as the sun was going down.

I'm always that I can handle a potentially violent situation, but when I was with +++++ +++ I always felt that much better. He was a proven guy in a scrap and we were always tooled up. I don't think it would have mattered who or what I was with on this night nothing could have made this scene good. Nothing could have prepared my senses. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Zero was a casper. A white Vato. Norteno. Hardcore crankster who would shoot his guns indiscrimenately. He didn't give a fuck at all. Always ready to die. I went to high school with a bunch of Vatos and they had no hesitation ever. A pure culture of death. You have to respect it. And you have to expect it.

Just before we hit the stairs on the way to the second floor hotel room we smelled it. It was an unbelievably think and acrid smell and it got deeper with each step. I had never smelled anything quite like this, but my immediate association was with death. I had had a next door neighbor die and rot undiscovered for a couple of weeks a few summers previous to this, and this was akin to that. My brain told me to run. My heart trudged onward. There was no part of me that thought that this smell was coming from anywhere but our destination. I knew it and so did +++++ +++.

We knocked on the door to the room and Zero answered it quickly and silently. The wave of doom washed over us. The smell was absolutely overpowering... blood, death, ether, gasoline, gun powder so many combined smells I couldn't put it together until I caught a glimpse from the crack in the bathroom door...

Rise and Fall

2008-12-09T10:55:00.000-08:00

The rise and fall. Spiraling low and wide. Spiraling out of nowhere. Spiraling into everything that comes to me. My ability to reason ceases. The only thought I have is to get even. My ability to lash out is unquestionable. My brain has never stopped building these bridges that cross to my oblivion. Don't let them know what I hold in my hands.

Dead Rats

2008-12-02T08:08:00.000-08:00

I have killed more rats in my life then I can possibly remember. I have lived in many rat infested homes, let me pause and reflect.

There was a wharehouse in Emeryville, California that we lived in for 3 years where the rats were the pets as well as in the walls, some of the rats had freed themselves from the cages in the rooms and used to come back in and attack the the ones that were to afraid to leave on there own. All of the remaining caged rats in our rooms had had their toes removed through the cages by their newly feral cousins.

We lived in a house in West Oakland for a year that had disconnected garbage service well before we moved in, as a result the backyard was a 15' x 40' x 10' wall of garbage with more to throw on everyday. The rats at that house never came inside, they were in heaven , in many cases literally as my roommate and I would drink after work and liberate them from there lives with a pellet gun as they crawled through the endless pile of rotting wastes. Endless fun.

I lived in a basement in Southern Oregon for 2 years that was previously uninhabited and was used as storage for the dog food of the previous renters hunting dogs. The basement was dirt and the door to it opened up within 40' of a creek and some woods. I had no less then 6 rat traps set at all times in that place, they were everywhere. I rarely had guests who would stay for long unless they were to drunk to notice the eyes staring at them in the night and the semi regular snap of the traps, a sound that always brings a smile to my face.

I have killed them with traps, I have shot them, I have stomped them to death, I have crushed them with 30 lb. dumb bells, I fucking hate them. I hate there smell the most.

I have been on a killing spree over the last week getting 4 of them in the traps I have set in our pantry. I always spend time marveling at how they get caught, sometimes it's a solid shot across the skull, other times a smashed beak, or the dreaded trapped arm followed by a slow death and a lot of blood. Nothing beats mopping up rat blood, but hey thats what kids are for. After all these years and all these dead rats, last night I had a penultimate experience in rat annihilation. I have reached the mountain top, I hold the scepter in my hand...

...last night as I prepared to serve dinner to my family I heard that oh so cheerful snap. I waited until after dinner to check and see if we had one. We didn't. We had two. Two across the skull, a perfect shot, with one actually biting the food tray on the trap itself. They were laying directly next to each other in a line. Into eternity my fateful hand intertwined with there poor choice of cheese scraps. Life is good, God is Great, but Dead Rats is best.

Between The Eyes

2008-12-02T03:53:00.000-08:00

At this moment in time, 3:59 am PST December 2, 2008, I am obsessed with a song that I am trying to free from my head. I had it perfectly about 36 hours ago but didn't record the idea so I have lost a part of it. I should have known better, I have lost so many little pieces of songs over the years. To my ear the subtlest shifts are the keys to the song, a slight adjustment of cadence here, a slight tempo decrease there, this is what I have misplaced over the last hours.

... I am listening to It's Casual "The New Los Angeles"and Avsa "What You Don't Know Is Frontier" in a tight obsessive rotation.

... I have learned to respect Oscar De La Hoya over the recent years but I really hope Manny Pacquio cleans his clock. This will be a great fight.

... This week I will move my family for the 3rd time in 18 months.

... I am currently writing music for a as of yet untitled new Neurosis record as well as a new solo acoustic record entitled "We Burn Through The Night", the Shrinebuilder record is written and will be recorded in January.

... 3 is always the right number.

I would love to see a perfect storm that bring us all to the resonant tone. The great leveler. The greying of it all.